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This is the first introduction I’ve ever written. I want to start off with that information out in the open. This way you won’t have any sort of expectation while you read this. This takes a lot of pressure off me. I no longer have to impress you, entertain you, or keep you from writing an angry letter to the editor. All I have to do is put sentences together and, maybe, indent my paragraphs. If you get to the end of this introduction and you’re thoroughly disgusted, it’s not like I didn’t warn you. But you might get to the end, look up from the page, and lean over to your spouse, partner, friend, or loved-one and say, “this guy’s introduction wasn’t half bad.” If that happens, let me know and maybe I’ll write another one sometime.
This is a book of creative writing, though the “creative” part is debatable. No one is claiming that I didn’t create the articles and rants filling the next bunch of pages, but the word “creative” leads people to believe that the work in question is good. In fact, in creative writing classes across the country, right now, there are professors telling their students to never degrade personal work. See, it isn’t ok for a student to, right before she reads her newest short story out loud, tell the class that said story was written in a half an hour after sixteen bong hits. Well, I don’t have that much self-control. Some of what you are about to read isn’t very good. I’m not ashamed of that. Hell, I’ll put anything in a book – I tried to get the publishing company to dedicate the last half to napkins I’ve signed. But I do think that most of what you are about to read is amusing in some sense, and that’s better than nothing.
Actually, I guess you could say that most of this book’s content was written with “amusing” in mind. Whenever I write anything, I try to make sure that at least I enjoy it. It doesn’t need to flow or make logical sense; it just has to make me smile a couple times. Do you think that’s a low barometer for success? Maybe, but I’m not much for barometers.
What I’m getting at is that if I find something funny, there’s a good chance you’ll find it funny too. Look, there’s no point arguing, I looked it up on the Internet. And besides, you’re still reading my introduction – the introduction that I already warned you about. So how’s bout a couple more hit or miss pieces of writing.
These articles are early freelance assignments that range from video game reviews to digital commentary. I review game demos. I talk about spyware. I’m unpredictable – like tornados. I bet you can taste the excitement. Here’s a tip, brush your teeth before you go to bed unless you want your partner, spouse, loved one, to taste the excitement too. Second-hand excitement is in the same food group as battery acid.
I’ll leave you with a story. I wrote my first freelance articles for a website dedicated to the Real Time Strategy game Warcraft 3. I happened across the site while looking for replays of professional gamers playing the game. I thought that by watching these people play I could learn enough to stop losing when I played people on the Internet. When I got to the website, I noticed that the staff was hiring an article writer. So I applied. I wrote three or four articles before the site got sold off and dissolved. Since I really knew nothing about successful game play or strategy, I had to be creative and (I hope) funny so that the website’s community didn’t light torches and call me a hack. I just tried to amuse myself and put a spin on everything I wrote. And it worked. Most of the time those people had no idea that I had no idea. I’ve been working off this strategy ever since.
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